Hawks hire new GM and coach.....

[Diesel]

Somewhere in Detroit:

Bill Lambeer: You know I have been hired as the GM of the Atlanta Hawks.

Rich Mahorn: Congratulations. So how are you going to fix them?

Bill Lambeer: Well.. Uhm... That's why I'm here.

Mahorn: Don't talk to me about saving that team. The owner wants to save his budget. And you wanna save your *ss!

Lambeer: Well, so what? You want the truth?

Mahorn: Yeah, Bill. Let's have some truth.

Lambeer: The truth is that for all your talking, all your Bad Boys routine, what have you ever done? Nothing. You're nothing but an insignificant man. It's like you were never born. Your life hasn't made one bit of difference, and neither has mine. Wanna take that to the grave?

The next day in Atlanta:

Gearon: We are proud to announce, the new GM and coach of the Hawks are bad boys... GM Bill Lambeer and Coach Rich Mahorn. They will get this team to the NBA championship.

Later that Day... Mahorn Addresses the team

Mahorn: You've tried it your way for years, and you can't even pass the second round. THAT MEANS YOU'RE NO GOOD. Now, they've given me one year to turn this place around - to get you pass the second round - so that New owners will not take us over to perform the task which YOU have failed to accomplish: the task of WINNING SOMETHING IMPORTANT. So forget about the way it used to be. This is not a damn democracy! We are in a state of emergency and my word is law! There's only one boss around here, and that's me. The HNIC.

Zaza: HNIC?

Twin: Head N-word In Charge.

Mahorn: Zaza you are my new co-Captain. Josh, you will no longer be co-Captain. Josh, stand up. You know why you're being demoted, Josh? Because I'm sick and tired of our seeing a captain firing off three pointers when he should be in the post; thank you, sit down! I want PRECISION. I want a WEIGHT PROGRAM. And if you don't like it, Josh, you can QUIT! Same goes for the rest of you.

Josh: But I shoot well!

Mahorn: You think you can run this team? If you could, then I wouldn't be here, would I? No one talks at my meetings. NO ONE! You take out your pencils and write. I want the names... of 2 players who you think has not been pulling their weight on my desk by noon today. Now get out of here.

Later that day... Marvin and Armstrong standing behind Mahorn as he addresses the team

Mahorn: I want all of you to take a good look at these players on the risers behind me. One of These people have been here six years, and done absolutely nothing. These people are weak and sorry. They have taken up space. They have disrupted this team. They have stolen money. And they have held you back. Well, times are about to change. You will not be held back on Rick Mahorn's team. These people are incorrigible. And since none of them could make an impact anyway...

[to those onstage]

Mahorn: ... you are all expurgated. You are dismissed! You are out of here, forever. I wish you well! Mr. Gearon..

[after Gearons eject all the "problem" players from the team, Mahorn's team grows silent]

Mahorn: Next time, it may be you. If you do no better than they did, next time it WILL be you.

That Night, Mahorn meets with Angry Agents, parents, and Tito Horford.

Tito Horford: What happened this morning is an outrage! My boy's no Center! He is smart. He know that they can't win. They're just discouraged what chances they got out there, what kind of centers can we get? What chance do they have now? He insulted Josh Smith! The man's gone crazy! He's declared war on his own people!

Mahorn: [getting up and stand before the group] They say one bad apple spoils the bunch.

[shouts of protest]

Mahorn: But what about 2? Rotten to the core! Now, you're right, Mr. Horford. This is a war. It's a war to save the team, most of whom don't have the skills to pass the second round.

[some applause]

Mahorn: Now if you want to help us, fine.

[coming over to him]

Mahorn: Sit down with Al and make him work on his post game. Go get your families off welfare.

Tito Horford: [getting up in his face] How dare you talk to these people about welfare!

Mahorn: Give this team some pride! Tell them to get their priorities straight!

[Tito sits down. He walks on down the center of the audience]

Mahorn: When Mr. Lambeer came to me offering this job, I saw the lightning flash. I heard the thunder roll! I felt breakers crashing, swamping my soul!

Tito: [getting up again] We are NOT in church, Rick!

Mahorn: [facing Tito] I fell down on my knees

[Tito sits down in exasperation]

Mahorn: and I cried "My God, why has thou forsaken me?" and the Lord said "Rick, you're no damn good. No, I mean this! More than you realize, you're no earthly good at all unless you take this opportunity and do whatever you have to." And he didn't say "Rick, be polite".

[the people clap in agreement]

Mahorn: Do whatever you have to to transform and transmogrify this Team into a special team where the hearts and souls and minds of the young can rise.

[more clapping in agreement]

Mahorn: Where they can grow tall and blossom out from under the shadows of the past. Where the minds of the players are set free. And I gave my word to God, and that's why I threw those bastards out!!

[the crowd starts to shout in both agreement and protest]

Mahorn: And that's all I'm gonna say!

The next Day... Rick meets with Marvin Williams

Mahorn: The problem with players today is you don't know nothing. The problem with being a player is you *think* you know better than those who have been down that road you're traveling. Have you told your father what happened to you? You haven't? No guts, huh? You're afraid of what he might say to you.

Marvin: My father doesn't live with us anymore, sir.

Mahorn: Oh, is that it? You just go around feeling sorry for yourself? Get out of here, boy; you're wasting my time!

Marvin: Please, sir. I have to get back in the league, somewhere. I can't just go home and tell my mother I got thrown off the team.

Mahorn: Boy, what have you been thinking about all this time, and why should I believe you now?

Marvin : Because I'll do better, sir. I'll go to practice and do all my work and...

Mahorn: And what else? Why don't you just jump off the roof, right here and now? That's what you really want, isn't it? Yes, you do. You watch Sponge Bob, don't you, boy? Don't you Watch Sponge Bob? Yeah, I thought so. And you know what that does to you? You don't? It makes you soft, son. It kills your brain cells! Now when you're destroying your brain cells, you're doing the same thing as killing yourself. You're just doing it slower! Now, I say if your wanna kill yourself, don't f*** around with it, do it expeditiously! Go on and jump! JUMP!

Marvin: No! I don't wanna jump!

Mahorn: ...You're quite sure about this, are you?

Marvin: ...That's why I haven't jumped already, sir.

Mahorn: Maybe. All right, Marvin, I'll tell you what I'm gonna do: I'm gonna go back on my own word and let you on my team again. But you're not gonna get a moment's rest. I'm gonna be on your case every minute - just waiting for you to slip up THIS MUCH, so I can toss you right back out. Do you understand me? *Do you?*

Marvin: ...You think I don't appreciate this at all, sir.

Mahorn: ...We'll see. Alright, let's get back downstairs. Come on.

During Practice, in a pick up game, Josh Shoots a three point shot. Mahorn gets so angry that he tells Josh to get off of his court. Josh goes to the office later to speak with Mahorn .

Smoove: Coach, just what was that all about?

Mahorn: I said, "No more three pointers if you're not a guard", If you can't understand that, find yourself another place to work.

Smoove: The Shot clock was running down.

Mahorn: You're the one who contradicting me, in front of my team.

Smoove: It's my team, too.

Mahorn: IT'S MY TEAM, JOSH!!

Smoove: Just what are you tryin' to prove? I'm workin my *ss off of you, too the demotion and I'm doin' my job! You just getting your rocks off, for treating me like trash!

Mahorn: No sir, that's what you're picking up.

Smoove: [slamming the folders onto Mahorn's desk] God Damn it! YOU GIVE ME, THE GODDDAMN RESPECT, AND DAMN WELL OF YOURSELF,OR I WILL KICK YOUR BLACK *ss!

Mahorn: You are suspended sir, as of RIGHT NOW! GET OUT!

Smoove: AHHH!

[dumps Mahorn's desk on it's side]

Mahorn talks to Al Horford... After Horford gives a negative interview to the AJC. After 2 minutes of conversation, the conversation breakd down to a shouting fest

Horford: I would love to stay and chat, Mahorn, but I'm going to be an allstar this year and I would like to be prepared. I'm working on my three.

Mahorn: What?

Horford: Prepare. You do know what prepare means, don't you? It means ready, capable and up to your job.

Mahorn: What Allstar?

Horford: The one in Feb. We do one every year.

Mahorn: Until now. As of this moment, your little allstar weekend is cancelled.

Horford: What?

Mahorn: CANCELLED! You do know what cancelled means, don't you? Called off! Terminated!

Horford: WHY? I have worked too hard!

Mahorn: I saw the playoffs. Where were you? You were not an allstar, you were not a half star, you were no star at all.

Horford: I had my flaws, but I did my part.

Mahorn: If you don't play as an allstar when it counts, you shouldn't be an allstar.

Finally: Mahorn meets Lambeer at Hawks headquarters...

Lambeer: Did you see this yet?

[holding up newspaper story about Al Horford's displeasure with Coach Mahorn and Bill Lambeer]

Lambeer: You know, a lot of your shits comes down on my head.

Mahorn: Oh, Bill ! Look, this is...

Lambeer: No, You let me talk! It's like you're a big bird with radar and I'm tired of getting hit!

Mahorn: Th... this is my fault?

Lambeer: This is nothing! I've got union lawyers threatening me and there's talk of a walk-out!

Mahorn: Well, let 'em! They're not doing anything down there anyway!

Lambeer: It is your job to...

Mahorn: None of them have a personal stake in this team! Not one!

Lambeer: David Stern was just in here. He said it was illegal to kick Marvin off the team. Tito Horford is organizing a group to try and get you removed since you insulted them at that meeting the other night when you suggested they should get off welfare mentality...

Mahorn: Oh, I didn't mean all of...

Lambeer: ...because the fact is quite a few of them need it.

Mahorn: I wasn't talking to all of them, Bill! Look, you came and recruited me, man, but you disappoint me, brother. You disappoint me!

Lambeer: The disappointment here is you!

Mahorn: Me?

Lambeer: Yes!

Mahorn: You know who I am. You've known me thirty years! You knew what I would do! You know how I operate!

Lambeer: Will you keep quiet! the fact is you're screwing up! You're alienating everybody! Look at you, you have no life! Your wife left you! Hell, I oughta walk out on you myself!

Mahorn: Well, go ahead! Bail the hell out!

Lambeer: But I said I'd back you up!

Mahorn: That's what you said, man! That's what you said!

Lambeer: I would go through the... fire with you, but you are not taking care of business! This s*** you're pulling now, you've just gone plain loco! Now you suspend Smoove! What the hell was that?

Mahorn:Smoove is symptomatic of the disciplinary problems...

Lambeer: He is a good, strong, young player! So he... dumped that desk right on top of your head. Well, right on! Good for him! You will reinstate that man, you hear? And you criticize Horford! Why? Because he didn't want to kiss your *ss! I wouldn't neither! How about that?

Mahorn: Horford has an ego problem!

Lambeer: Well, you lost the best big man we had! We couldn't get him back now if we wanted to!

Mahorn: I don't have time for Horford's problem!

Lambeer: You better make time!

Mahorn: We are being crucified by a process that is turning this team into a permanent 2nd round out, Bill. A permanent 2nd round out!

Mahorn: See! See, nobody wants to talk about that! NOBODY! Horford's missionary zeal about playing PF has nothing to do with our problem. Nothing! What good is PF going to do a bunch of players who can't go out and create for themselves?

Lambeer: Rick, your personal battles are gonna cost us the war. Worry about the getting to the conference finals.

Mahorn: WHAT THE HELL YOU THINK I'M WORRIED ABOUT?

Lambeer: END OF DISCUSSION! You will make a formal apology!

Mahorn: I will what?

Lambeer: A formal apology for your treatment of Horford and Smoove and for your vicious and thoughtless insults to the players on this team! You will kow tow. You will step and fetch!

Mahorn: If you think that I'm gonna...

Lambeer: [slams briefcase shut] Get used to it! It's the WAY OF THE WORLD! If you're so hot on discipline, then goddammit

[pounds on briefcase] start by accepting mine because contrary to popular opinion, I'M THE HEAD N-Word IN CHARGE!

[He grabs his briefcase and heads for the door]

Lambeer: Come on, let's get something to eat.

[Swatguy]

thanks D

[NineOhTheRino]

brilliant post. I haven't laughed so hard since the the first Friday movie. I actually peed myself a little. TMA?

Edited June 5, 2011 by NineOhTheRino

[TheNorthCydeRises]

The only way this could've been better, is if Diesel had live actors play out the roles

"Lean on Me" + Joe Clark + Atlanta Hawks = Winning

The funniest ish I've read in a while. You win the Emmy for Best Screenplay.

[Dejay]

OMG. I almost pissed myself from laughing so hard. Why aren't you writing a book? Really...

[T21]

... next episode... Dennis Rodman is hired as special defensive coordinator!