MLB Insider - Dos & donts of Beanball Retaliation

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The dos and don'ts

of beanball retaliation

by Jim Baker

Minnesota's Torii Hunter added a new wrinkle to beanball lore Wednesday night when, after getting hit by a fastball from Cleveland's Danys Baez, he picked up the ball and whipped it back at the mound. Fortunately for his street cred, the return throw was an accurate one and, had Baez not deflected it slightly with his glove, it would probably have been a real welt-raiser.

So -- if I may direct my comments to ballplayers -- if you're going to lose it like Hunter did, it's a good idea to lose it right. Make your retaliation both spectacular and effective, but -- for the sake of the children and the faint of heart -- not fatal.

Here are the options you as a major league beanball victim have for your post-plunking behavior:

Make a step toward the mound but not with conviction while secretly hoping the catcher will intercept you along the way.

This way you look appropriately ticked off and nobody gets hurt. If you take a second step, the benches will clear and then you will have 40 or 50 guys between you and the pitcher. Now you're out of the loop but your reputation as a tough guy stays intact.

Drop your bat and charge the mound.

The old standby. Before you do so, though, ask yourself this: "Was that pitch a fastball or a hard slider?" I was watching a game once where David Cone hit Pedro Guerrero with a slow curve and Guerrero about swallowed his tongue in his rage. You could clearly see Cone mouthing the words, "It was a curve ball!" Nothing looks sillier than a player making a fuss over getting hit by the slow stuff. Another thing to ask yourself is "who is out there? Am I running to a merciless beating like Robin Ventura got at the hands of Nolan Ryan? Didn't this guy list "martial arts" among his hobbies in the media guide?" Remember, too, that most basic of military strategies: never attack the high ground if you can help it. Conversely, that advice goes for pitchers: don't come down off the mound to meet your attacker -- make him come to you and maintain your hold on the high ground.

Charge the mound without dropping your bat.

Fortunately, I've never seen this done, and, ideally, never will.

Throw your bat at the pitcher.

Another rare one. The most famous occurrence of this came in Game 2 of the 1972 ALCS when Bert Campeneris of the A's whipped his hitting stick at Lerrin LaGrow of the Tigers. The trouble with bats is their lack of aerodynamicity, if I may use a word flagged by my spell checker. They helicopter at their target and, owing to the weight imbalance inherent in their design, are not very accurate. This gives me an idea: Minor league teams should have a bat toss as a between-innings promotion. They could measure for distance and accuracy. Frankly, I've seen enough Dizzy Bat Races to last me a lifetime, haven't you? Dizzy Bat Races have become all too routine because not nearly enough of the contestants throw up or pass out.

On your next turn at the plate, line one back at the pitcher.

If you're good enough to pull this off, go for it! It's clean, it's legitimate and, unlike all of the other options, it might actually help the team if you fail because it will go into center field for a single. If you're really good, the ball will carom painfully off some portion of the pitcher's anatomy and careen into the dugout for a ground rule double.

Take your base and let one of your pitchers retaliate.

That is, unless you're in a near-coma. Then your only option is to groan menacingly. The good thing about this tactic is that you're leaving the job to a professional, provided you have someone on your pitching staff that is up to the chore. Not all pitchers are. There was a Padres-Braves game back in 1984 or so where the San Diego pitchers tried to retaliate for the misdeeds of the certifiable Pascual Perez and couldn't, for the life of them, hit anybody. It made for a strange spectacle. With the advent of the designated hitter though, the retaliation must come through a proxy. In a perfect world, the proxy would get so angry he'd take it out on his own pitcher for putting him in that vulnerable position. For instance, when Roger Clemens nearly assassinated Mike Piazza in July of 2000, the Mets hit Tino Martinez in the buttocks as their return shot. Martinez should have gone up to Clemens and given him a swift kick in the posterior and said, "There, now we're even."

Punch the catcher because he's closer.

Not the brightest of ideas because of all that equipment they're wearing. Besides, those guys are thicker than the rest of humanity and taking one down would not be a good idea. You don't want to go to ground with a guy who squats for a living. With legs like that, a scissor hold could be fatal.

Take your base nonchalantly, knowing that revenge is a dish best served cold.

Next time up, drag a bunt down the first base line so that the pitcher will have to cover. Then, when you both converge on the bag, commit mayhem on his person. Ty Cobb may or may not have invented this gambit, but he sure enough perfected it. I don't think anyone has tried this one in decades, but I might be wrong.

Laugh at the pitcher and say, "Is that all you've got?"

Then, for good measure, pause to flex. Follow that up by sprinting down to first base to show the world that you are some sort of superman. If you're fast, proceed to steal second and third and then take a huge lead off third and taunt him some more, saying things like, "see how malfeasance has manifested itself? I am now but 75 feet from home plate owing to your insistence on doing me harm." (Feel free to paraphrase, of course.)

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[Hawksfreak]

yEA THATS KINDA LIKE Reef vs Thomas